I wanna take my time off my day to write this shit. Because I’ve been feeling upset about this and letting it get to me for over half a year now. And I wanna just vent.
During last year’s summer break, I happened to get contacted by this amazing person called Pegawolf(whose real name's Natalie). I really liked her art and I was really glad to be in touch with her. And soon we became best friends. And I probably had the best summer break I’d had ever in my life skyping with her all day every day.
And then I developed a feeling for her. Because she was the first person I could truly open up to and agree with, basically just feel really comfortable with. She helped with my poor English, and I got to watch some cartoons with her… She also listened to all my problems when I was sad or upset. I vented to her a lot back then.
Then one day I kinda start going on about how I had this girl I really loved, trying my best not to give her the indication that that girl was actually her. But of course, it’s kinda stupid not to expect her to figure it out when I she was like the only girl I knew since I go to an all-boys school.
I broke out in tears(cuz hey, I’m a real sissy) and she kinda accepted me as a bf I think. Although she was always worried our friendship would get really awkward if we started being boyfriend and girlfriend.
And like, not even a month after that, things started going wrong. I got frustrated a lot and she got frustrated too. I don’t think I handled the situation the right way and soon we decided to just be friends again. But after that I think I got really mad a lot at her. Because I started getting tired of her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s pretty sweet, but she can be kind of a smartass sometimes and pretty condescending. You know, that type that always wanna win an arguement. It’s not like I wasn’t anything like that, but she really started to get to me.
So one day I just SCREAMED at her and sweared at her and shit. And I made her cry. I still feel pretty guilty about that. She was quietly sniffling and everything so I was all like “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me” and it seemed like things went back to normal and we were all okay.
And then… Things started getting REALLY REALLY WRONG. I got to talk to her friend Jamie a lot by then. I don’t remember why, I think it was because Natalie wanted me to spend more time with her or something.
Anyway, I talked to Jamie a lot. Jamie had a boyfriend called Nathan. And you know what? Natalie used to always talk bad things about them. She didn’t really like them a lot. So I thought “Oh! Jamie and Nathan are BAD. I should make fun of them too and avoid them” and used to do just that. But interestingly, I got to hear Jamie’s part of the story this time. She told me Nathan wasn’t like what Natalie had told me, and that she was just spreading bad rumors about them because she was jealous she would spend more time hanging out with him instead of her. Apparently Jamie was like her only friend at school or something and they were best friends since they were very little.
But here’s the important thing: I heard Jamie’s part of the story. And you know how I went? I went all like "GAAAAAH WHAT AN EVIL BITCH NATALIE IS" and decided to talk to her about this.
And it didn’t go well, because I acted like such an asshole. I called her out for gossiping about Jamie and Nathan, and actually sweared to her multiple times for it. Because back then I believed “tough love” was needed for her. But SHE WAS OKAY WITH IT. She was all like “I guess this is tough love and I should accept it, OKAY, I’LL CHANGE” (cuz I told her to change her attitudes a bit, because honestly, she was kinda self-centered in a way and nobody IRL really liked that from what I’ve heard)
But after that… she went offline on Skype for like, 4 days, and as it turns out she was actually just invisible and had been there all along. And one day she messaged me all seriously like, “You know, I thought you were somebody I could trust. But I was wrong. A real friend wouldn’t tell me to change how I am. So I decided I will no longer be friends with you”
But I still held my stance, and told her “Hey, I just wanna say even though I said horrible things to you, I don’t think I was wrong and you really should change. If you can’t take that, you can just delete me on Skype, good bye”
And then INSTANT POOF and she deleted me. I totally had that coming but I didn’t expect it would happen so QUICKLY. I started kinda regretting what I said. And I was struck really hard by the fact that I just lost the bestest friend I’ve ever had in my whole life, and it was all my fault and I couldn’t blame anybody.
So I tried to talk to her. But first I had to pass through her friend, Jason, who was apparently her new best friend now. He was a gigantic smartass who thought he could “cold-read” people’s minds and that he was more intelligent than normal people, which was total bullshit but Natalie used to always talk to me about how fucking brilliant he was. So I always didn’t like him. He seemed to have trusted me as a friend, but it was never like that for me. So when I found out he was like, being a gatekeeper or something guarding Natalie, I was like “WHAT THE FUUUCK I CAN’T EVEN TALK TO HER BECAUSE OF HIM?”
So I talked to him. And then he went on about how horrible of a human being I was for saying mean things to her. I don’t remember much about talking with him, though.
After that, I actually got to talk to her. Because I realized I could just not give a shit about Jason and text her straight away(derp). I actually felt pretty bad about saying mean things to her, so I decided to just give up all my pride and dignity, accept my guiltiness, and then just be as pathetic as she wished me to be. Because I thought in order to restore our friendship, I should be humble. So I even tried begging her, and finally she went all like “Hmm okay if you feel so bad about it I guess I’ll try being friends with you again.” And she put all these terms I should keep in order to stay as friends with her and it was that I shouldn’t say mean things to her. And by mean things, it meant anything that she didn’t like to hear no matter how true it was. Which was complete bollocks but I wanted the friendship with her to be normal again. But sadly, that wasn’t possible anymore with her not opening up to me ever again and her loyal “friends” calling me a horrible person.
It was so awkward I didn’t have anything to say to her, and then not after a day, I was deleted again.
I was like, “…..Huh… I guess that’s it, then” and it was ALL OVER.
Natalie was never a type to face up to her problems or shortcomings, in my honest opinion. That’s why I can’t really admit that I was 100% the wrong one here. She was pompous in a lot of ways, that’s for sure. And what’s worse is that she actually just assumed with her new best friend Jason that I was mad because I couldn’t get over being dumped by her, so they deliberately tried to rustle my jimmies by being flirty with each other. She actually said that after she accepted my apology. I mean, can you even believe that?
I was SOOOO pissed off about it it’s bugged the shit out of me ever since, for MONTHS. But I kinda learned to accept it. And I started realizing, “All of this isn’t as important as I think it is, and I should get over it. I should admit the mistakes I made here and move on.” And I think I actually grew up a little bit, and got a teeny bit mature than I was back then. It was a good lesson learned.
But things haven’t been going so well for me recently and all the memory with her starts coming back to me and I’m like, really stressed out.
So I decided to post this long-ass newspaper article of my ranting and see what you guys thought about it.
What do you think, was I a horrible person like Natalie’s friends told me I was? Or was Natalie equally bad?